Outcast

[matrixmann]

It't just a shame, if you have to turn your back on your asserted political direction, or your asserted subculture, just because those people that are in it are so stubborn, narrow-minded and willing to perceive anything that makes you, in their eyes, be no-one that belongs to their roundel.

Comments

[matrixmann]

It's not like reading leads to this in general, but I refuse to read those big works where people shoot their mouths over it and treat it like the holy Bible with the answers to everything.
I found, when I was dealing with that years ago, I got pretty lost in what my own opinion is, I lost the feeling for it. And the rest was just talking in the rhetorics that these texts brought up with them.
I have the impression like since abandoning it, I'm better off with it. I look for drawing links myself and I stick with what you have in the reality currently. Lots of these books were written a long time ago, so the circumstances leading to the same look very much different today.

Said, I don't refuse to do it, if it just is acquiring information, like getting know what is talked about, or if it says something about a subject that has been unknown until now (like books about new researches and investigations).
But just to verify what I already know in a different set of words, in a different set of phenomenas at that time - I don't think I need to see that. This appears like wasted time to me.

[mandarinsun.livejournal.com]

I just mention it because you seem to need an outlet, things to do, and the world makes you angrier and angrier. You have a talent for writing and reading makes you a better writer. To be honest, your views are very one sided and not very nuanced and it is like you say the same thing over and over again. If you had more input, like reading, but it could be like watching documentaries, foreign films, etc.. it might help make what you write about more nuanced and less monotonous. What you have to say though reminds me of what I would go on and on about when I was in my early 20s though, so it is not like I don't have sympathy.

Also, it seems like you have the potential of having the world making you angrier and angrier and since you like guns and violence that might end up with not such a great result. So, I am not saying reading is the greatest thing for everyone and if you could just make furniture or do photography or sculpt or draw or paint things those would be just as good, however you seem to have a talent with language study. So, if you really got into reading things, and being that you are young, you could end up knowing many languages and that would open doors to doing different things. I saw the James Foley documentary last night, that I posted about on my journal, and it seems like combat journalist is something that might suit you. Though the pay is shit and of course it is very dangerous.

The other way to gain opportunities to write about is to have more and more experiences. So, if you learned Farsi or whatever Islamic language the immigrants that are coming to Germany speak, you could somehow work with or do volunteer work concerning them and have tons to potentially write about.

It just seems like you need some goals to move forward because the world making you extremely angry could have a very bad end.

I say this because I am probably twenty years older than you and started out probably in a similar place though I never was attracted to guns and violence like you. I see how many young males are interested in those things though. It could help you to put the aggression into other things it can even be as simple as exercising a ton, reading, meditating, etc... none of which costs any money.

[matrixmann]

Do I really seem that angry?
Hm...
Saying, I've already had far angrier times. And this includes the phase of "kill all people". I've already been there. While recognizing the meaninglessness and the finiteness of the actions of a single person, the limitation of what a single person's actions can put as an effect to the rest of the world, I came to the path of "it's not worth it". Not for them.
My life and existence is the first priority.

[mandarinsun.livejournal.com]

You don't seem that angry too often and you said it, I agree that a single person isn't going to be able to change what is wrong in the world. I remember being misanthropic while talking to my ex girlfriend and she was similarly inclined and we were driving by crowds of people and I was talking about how idiotic they seemed and she said something like maybe someday I should kill one, but she didn't say it that way. I was shocked because I have a lot of compassion for individual people. I don't think I have considered killing someone. I just mean it as a critique of society. Also, I work with children and they deserve a lot of chances to do better. If I worked with wall street bankers or lawyers or violent criminals in jail maybe I'd feel differently.

[matrixmann]

About misanthropy I find a big prejudice or mistake about it is that you actively ought to hate people, like wanting to kill them and stuff.
I don't know why it is only mistaken for that; at least I have the view about it - if you hate people, if you think about wanting to share your rage with them, you don't just hate them, you only want a relationship. And you don't get that relationship that you want with them.
If you really don't like them, maybe mock them, but leave them alone. Don't care too much about them.
Wanting to shoot them all is only going to get you in trouble and costs your freedoms.
By the way, how much ammunition you wanted to waste? There are 7.4 billion of them in the world, a few ten million add on top every year. That's like a Sisyphean task to be wanting to do that. And meteors don't come along all the time too.

[mandarinsun.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, as someone that studies Buddhism in the past, I think it is important to be ready to keep yourself from becoming violent if you are interacting with someone and things take an unexpected turn and you become very angry.

I've gotten really depressed before and was not very functional and I'd wonder if I'd snap and lose control of myself if somehow I was put in a stressful situation.

I once heard a story where a substitute for a PE teacher in a really low income school I was at slapped a student and the student was provoking him and even taking his finger and shoving it an inch in front of the subs eyes without touching him. The school called the police and the sub was taken to jail. I knew that you are never allowed to do what that sub did but was also angry at the school because they can put subs in really bad situations. It just worked out that I was about to finish my teaching credential at that time. So, I decided never to work at that very low income school district again after that day. I had had a couple of close calls where students were lying about what I had done. I would bring diet coke cans to work and once a girl said she was going to say that I was drinking beer. Also, a girl that had a crush on me came to me and told me she was pregnant and she was like 13 years old. She told me that she didn't know what to do. So I told the principal to help get her services and the principal investigated whether I was father. The investigation was just asking the girl and she told the truth, but being around crazy shit like that is why I spend hours a day searching for sub assignments at schools I feel ok with.

[matrixmann]

Yes, that becomes understandable then.
Sometimes you hear a verdict in such an issue once in a while, and it seems like the US judidicary system is pretty tought on such subjects.
Even though, in such situations where violence happens from a teacher towards a student, maybe sometimes it even might appear pretty human to you. Because some really know the drill to get you blow your top, or they rather aim for doing this. You know, trying for your limits, how much they can do until you fight back, and parents and society forgot to teach that to these children, so takes up until you come until they finally receive a response that they're not entitled to do everything.

Good luck I'm not in that position. I wouldn't be the one to have that patience, I think.
I think it makes a great difference if you already had your deep problems with people in that age when you were as young yourself. This wouldn't end well. No matter the consequences.